Not too long ago I would have felt unqualified to make NFL predictions. I can't pretend to know more than the next person just by watching a few games per week. But then the entire sportswriting world predicted that the 2006 Florida Marlins would lose 100 games and gave people like me credibility, or at least the right to pretend. So let's get to it. Here are my observations about the young NFL season:
Classless athletes make football better - The best part of week two was definitely Giants receiver Plaxico Burress telling Eagles fans to "go the (expletive) home, (expletives)" after his game-winning grab. We all know that if well-dressed Amani Toomer had made that catch, he would have thanked God (huuugggee Giants fan) and made sure every player on the Eagles knew how good of a game they played.
Michael Vick is ready to be the man - Remember when you played role-playing video games and your character became level 99 and you were FINALLY ready to go own that dungeon master from sector nine who you could never beat? Uhhh... neither do I, but if I did, that would be the sports equivalent of Mike Vick this year. He's stronger, faster, wiser and pissed off because his brother, Marcus, is going to keep mooching off him after all.
The Raiders are as bad as they look - It seems hard to fathom any team this bad could be more dysfunctional than they are lacking in talent. But Raiders' games will be televised on three channels in 2006: one with standard NFL coverage, one as a reality TV series starring Randy Moss called "The Moss Always Looks Greener On The Other Side" and the other a documentary on head coach Art Shell called "The Art of Sucking."
Pittsburgh won't make the playoffs - It seems crazy to call any quarterback who has gone to the AFC Championship Game and won the Super Bowl in his first two seasons overrated, but Ben Roethlisberger might be just that. I'm not sold on him as a leader; following his summer motorcycle accident, he actually praised his teammates for not asking him to stop riding bikes. That's like my buddy from high school who always bragged about having the best parents because they never punished him for throwing parties and trashing the entire house every time they left.
Side note: Does anyone else find it interesting that you could make a legitimate case for Big Ben being the most lucky (Super Bowl, not dead) or unlucky (hit by car, emergency appendectomy) person ever and have a hard time refuting either statement?
The Ravens are the Ravens again - Only this time Trent Dilfer isn't their quarterback. The Ravens are the other reason the Steelers won't make the playoffs. Baltimore has added defensive superstars Terrell Suggs and Ed Reed (they're rated in the high 90s in Madden NFL '07) since its Super Bowl XXXV win, which makes me wonder how the sports world convinced me that the Ravens no longer had the best defense in the NFL. I bet all the coaches around the league are ridiculously jealous because the Ravens' team meetings probably sound a lot like this:
Head Coach Brian Billick: "Okay everyone, how are we going to score 10 points this week for our insanely good defense?"
Steve McNair: "I don't know, but Ray Lewis tried to eat me yesterday. I think he thought I was Carson Palmer."
Billick: "Deal with it, Steve, he's putting my kids through college."
Random praise - Announcers love to shower young quarterbacks with praise every time they throw the ball away when under pressure. Granted, it's often the right decision, but it's still only an incomplete pass. For example, "Good job, Eli Manning, way to not be a complete idiot and throw into triple coverage." Lauding baby quarterbacks for throwing the ball away is becoming the NFL's version of the obligatory "nice piece of hitting" that baseball commentators use every time anyone ever goes the other way for a base hit.
The Colts will sleepwalk to the playoffs. The Patriots would too, but everyone on the team will be wide-awake, fearing Tom Brady's wrath. Did you see the Pats-Jets game? Tom Terrific looks more focused than a ninja master on 50 milligrams of Adderall.
The entire NFC East will finish 8-8. But instead of going to tie-breakers, each team will send its starting quarterback to a dinner where the players will receive a check for the food and a ticket to the playoffs hidden under two silver platters. Each player will then insist on paying for the meal, hoping to grab the platter with the ticket, resulting in the first ever situation where someone actually hopes to win the "no, no, I insist" dance after dinner. Fox will televise the event.
The MLB playoffs will result in an 18 percent drop in my grades. At least I have my priorities straight.
Tom Trudeau '09 predicts the Marlins will lose 100 games in 2007.
