Halloween can be a pretty scary time of year. Trick-or-treaters wander in their most terrifying attire while parents do their best to scare the bejesus out of children who stop by their homes. Unfortunately, I am sad to report that a new threat has made Halloween more horrifying than ever before.
This new issue comes from a courageous report by one Kristen Nastasia of CBS affiliate Channel 7 News in Greenville, S.C. This problem is a flaming one. No, I'm not talking about the little boys who insist on dressing up as Disney princesses - I'm talking about actual flames. I'm speaking, specifically, of children on fire.
Greenville Fire Marshal Larry Godfrey contends that children's costumes can "go up in no time at all." The intrepid Nastasia decided to test Godfrey's assertion in the most objective, scientific nature possible - namely, setting children's costumes aflame in the parking lot of the fire station.
The worst offender was a ninja turtle shell, which burst into the biggest flames. Other costumes posed a danger to innocent trick-or-treaters as well. Spiderman and NASCAR outfits both turned into sticky messes capable of burning a child's skin. When lit on fire, a frilly princess dress was reduced to ashes in two minutes flat. Two minutes, of course, is virtually no time at all - Godfrey somberly noted as the princess dress' ashes smoldered at his feet that "the child is probably severely burned by now."
Not every outfit ended up as a pile of carbon residue in the fire station parking lot, however. Of particular note was a Care Bear outfit that failed to burn at all, a feat almost as impressive as finding a kid who would want to wear a Care Bear outfit in the first place.
This human-interest piece out of a local news station really got me thinking. In this day and age you can never be too safe, and ninja turtle shells and princess dresses are simply too ubiquitous for humanity's own good. Realistically, just about anything you could wear for Halloween is liable to catch on fire. I personally shudder to think about what could have happened if, while sporting the cardboard pinecone costume I donned last year, I accidentally wandered too close to a flaming jack-o-lantern. Keeping flame-retardant ability in mind, I present to my loyal readers a list of 100 percent fire-safe costume options for kids this upcoming Halloween.
• Lady Godiva - Socially conscious young ladies may choose to impersonate the medieval English noblewoman who rode through the town of Coventry buck naked to convince her husband to lift an oppressive tax. What little girl doesn't like to help out the little guy, all while stockpiling candy?
• Michelangelo's David - Speaking of the little guy, small boys might want to dress up as Michelangelo's masterpiece. Not only does it indicate that little David is fostering a healthy awareness of the arts, but it also symbolizes his willingness to tackle big problems.
• Adam and Eve - This one's fairly self-explanatory. My only piece of advice to offer those who choose this get-up is to watch out for apples. Predators have been known to slide razors into them.
• Flea - Kids who fancy themselves as having a bit of an edge might spring to imitate the Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist. If Halloween is especially nippy this year, young men might want to risk donning Flea's trademark cotton (and hence fire-vulnerable) tube sock.
This list, while obviously not exhaustive, is definitely a good start on the road to Halloween fire safety. And really, who among us is going to stand up and say that they want little boys and girls around the country reduced to sticky, smoldering messes or festive heaps of ash because of flammable costumes? Not I.
Thanks to Greenville's Channel 7 News, genuine progress can now be made in the field of keeping children from being set on fire on one particular night of the year. So this Halloween, when you and your loved ones go out trick-or-treating in your flame-retardant Care Bear costumes, take pride in your efforts to promote fire safety above all else on such a perilous holiday.
Adam Cambier '09 was wearing a flame-retardant costume when he wrote this.
