Providence, Rhode Island, is very bad. Yo, I got a Brown ID though. Tru story, Tru story.
Errrrbody at Brown gettin' Tipsy.
Thank you, J-Kwon, for making it out to give me that introduction, always a pleasure.
I'm still having some problems returning to reality. I haven't quite re-acclimated to the 21st century after pretending I was from the '80s on Saturday. I understand that in the future - or I guess you people call it "the present day" - humans use cellular phone devices in touchdown celebrations. That's a far cry from the '80s TD celebrations when the Patriots used to load and fire muskets into the crowd and then have a good laugh because they could never hit anyone - ohhh those inaccurate muskets. Hilarious. Anyway, it's all too much, too soon. I'm going back to fantasy - fantasy sports, that is.
Without any further (Freddy) Adu, here are my favorite and least favorite things about fantasy sports. I hope by the end of the column I can sell you on playing fantasy sports and then use you as a farm team in one of my leagues so I can take all of your good players.
Why fantasy sports is mad nice
1. It's like crack cocaine, only slightly more addictive and with worse side effects. Must...make...more trades. Must...stop...speaking...in...ellipsis...form...(dies).
2. You can say things like, "I own Terrell Owens."
3. It's a great way to stay in touch with friends without having to write bi-monthly e-mails that read like the following: "Ohmigod girl, I miss you like a fat kid misses high fructose corn syrup. Come visit me. Okay, gtg, luv yaaa, xoxoxoxo, mwaaa, bffaeaeaeae."
4. When girls catch you talking about fantasy sports you can turn it into a foolproof riff/joke.
"What? I'm definitely not talking about fantasy football. That would be laaaame. But seriously, Brady for McNabb?"
It's all in the delivery, but if you're slick you can make it work. Oh, and if you're a girl who plays fantasy sports, then power to you. You don't need to turn it into a joke.
5. It makes bad games worth watching. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care how the perpetually awful Arizona football team is doing, but since Larry Fitzgerald is on my fantasy team, I become as passionate as an English soccer hooligan. Only, like, with teeth and better taste in sports.
6. Trash-talking. "Guess who has the most high-flying offense in the league (expletive)? How you like me now? How do you like me now? Can you taste that? It's your sweet tears of unfathomable sadness."
Why fantasy sports can be wiggity wack
1. It's like crack cocaine, only slightly more addictive and has worse side effects. Must...not...make...ellipsis...joke...twice... (dies again).
2. There's an infinity percent chance that there will be fighting. In fantasy baseball, for instance, usually around July someone gives up on the season and trades fantasy stud Johan Santana for rejects Kevin Millar and David Eckstein. Then they try to justify it by saying something like, "But they bring so many intangibles."
You can forget about allegiances: Words will be said, punches will be thrown and nothing will make sense anymore because Eckstein, aka "Rudy," just got traded for Santana.
3. The corrupt commissioner. Every league has a commissioner, or a "comish," who is capable of single-handedly ruining leagues. I would know from experience, because I've done it. I'm sorry Noah ... I hated you.
4. Some people don't take trash-talking well. This is an actual quote from my fantasy football league: "If you talk to my friend with that tone of disrespect ever again, I will see to it personally that not a single tooth in your (expletive) jaw remains unshattered."
I love it when prep school kids try to be hard because wide receiver Steve Smith hasn't lived up to expectations. By the way Matt, if you're reading this, you went to Columbia Preparatory and Grammar School on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Don't forget that.
5. There's always one or two people who join the league at the last second that ruin the league. It's usually someone's friend that no one else knows. They give some pitch like, "no, no he's cool. He's solid." But he isn't, is he? He picks Drew Bledsoe in the first round or quits two days after selecting all Dodgers players in the draft.
6. You might stop checking a month before the season ends in 2005 fantasy basketball because it looks like you have an insurmountable lead only to find that you've lost on the last day of the season to the one guy who kept playing. That one still stings. It's right up there with Luis Gonzalez' bloop single off Mariano Rivera in 2001.
Why do I even like sports? All you do is bring me pain. I quit.
Okay, gtg watch football, luv yaaaa, xoxoxoxxo, mwwaa, bffaeaeaeaeae.
Tom Trudeau '09 has a message for the Cardinals: "You boys go'n win state? Get'r dun."
