Textspeak is best defined as the use of varying abbreviations and the dropping of vowels aimed at increasing the speed with which an individual can type a message. As would befit a lingual system where speed is of the utmost concern, the use of textspeak mutilates the English language faster than a North Dakotan stuffed into a wood chipper. Previously relegated to the realm of 12-year-old girls gushing about Leonardo DiCaprio and 35-year-old men playing World of Warcraft in their parents' basements, this idiomatic menace has begun to worm its way into hard-working, God-fearing society.
The first sign of the textspeak apocalypse reaches us in the form of "The Last Messages," a novel written by Finnish author Hannu Luntiala. The book centers around an executive who leaves his lush life in Helsinki to meander around Europe and India, keeping in touch with his family and friends only through the magical medium of text messages on his mobile phone.
This premise is rife with problems from the get-go. If the man is trotting across half the globe, how on Earth does he get reception anywhere? Moreover, if he has his phone with him the whole time, why the hell doesn't he just call?
That, however, is beside the point. The thing about this would-be literary masterpiece that really punches me in the gut is the fact that the novel is composed in its entirety of the text messages sent and received over the course of the main character's travels. There are around 1,000 of them altogether. That amounts to 300 pages of "u" in place of "you," "r" in place of "are," "2" in place of "too" or "to" - with no explanation which one he is referring, 2. Call me old-fashioned, but anytime I pick up a book that is likely to be chock-full of textspeakisms, I can rest assured that Shakespeare this ain't. lol.
The worst part of all is that the Finns are just eating it up. Text messages and the associated bastardized grammar that comes with them have been wholly embraced by the Finnish population. The Associated Press reported that even Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen broke up with his girlfriend via text message.
Now I know what you're thinking: you're assuming that just because textspeak has crawled out of its dank, smelly hole and seen the light in Finland doesn't mean it will do the same here in the good old U.S. of A. After all, the Finns are Europeans, and if other evils like socialism and euro-techno haven't crossed the Atlantic (outside of Buxton house), there's no reason mainstream use of textspeak should do so.
Unfortunately, this particular epidemic has already jumped to a more sensible land - one where English words aren't banned by law from entering local languages and where boy bands aren't enjoyed by post-pubescent demographics. Besides the unsettling rumors about their unnatural fondness of sheep, the residents of this land are generally understood to be a wholly sensible people. I'm referring, of course, to New Zealand.
One day early last November, the top story of New Zealand's Dominion Post was more chilling than any story coming out of Iraq, Afghanistan or Darfur. The Post reported that the New Zealand Qualifications Authority had decided to give credit to exams that made use of textspeak in their answers as long as students "clearly show the required understanding." Although the use of proper English was still encouraged, students who employed textspeak would not be marked down. Proponents of the measure insisted it would help students better express themselves.
Pardon my French, but that's retarded. One spelling-challenged son of a New Zealand journalist summed up the state of things nicely when he told his mother that now he doesn't even have to try to spell words correctly, passing off mistakes as "textspeak." If enough kids reach the same conclusion as this intrepid young lad, in a generation New Zealand will be filled to the brim with adults lacking a solid grasp on proper spelling and grammar. Suddenly, it's not just the sheep in New Zealand who have reason to be nervous.
This whole textspeak issue scares the bejesus out of me. I'm still holding out for some sort of sensible return to people writing in proper English, but it doesn't look likely to happen. Textspeak is spreading. The publishers of "The Last Messages" are planning on translating the book into multiple languages. A high school principal in New Zealand excitedly told a newspaper that textspeak represented "smart youth who are developing a language, and once they are adults [it] will be the norm."
I feel like there's nothing left for us purists to do but adapt. I h8 to say it, but we bttr get used 2 this. The wrld is chnging, n we r set to get left bhnd. Neways, I hope this has left u with sumthng. I gtg cry in the corner.
Adam Cambier '09 has actually brought down windmills he has charged.
