BERMUDA - The men's rugby team had a rough spring break last week, as its tour of Bermuda left it with three losses and four players who won't be returning to Providence for various reasons. At this time, Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger is reviewing the team's behavior and may revoke its status as a club team.
Trouble started early in the trip as the team tried to adjust to Bermudian cultural differences. Despite numerous warnings from native Bermudians about the law against taking one's shirt off in public, Tom Flaherty '08 proceeded to don his gorgeous green Borat-style man-thong at the beach. Though many were outraged about the outlandish attire, Flaherty escaped from two large women trying to make a citizen's arrest on him, shouting things in an undecipherable accent. He was last seen running through the tropical jungles yelling, "Mate, mate!"
Though Flaherty attracted an unprecedented amount of attention, Win Bennett '09 was not about to allow Flaherty to steal his thunder. Bennett was arrested on the street one night while wearing just a shoelace around his waist. Bennett's roommates on the trip, Jeff Boyd '10, Hao Li '10 and Sam Rabb '10 refused to comment on the experience. All three will seek professional help for what is being initially diagnosed as post-traumatic stress disorder.
Forward Matt Bubley '09, however, was not able to repress his memory. Before his arrest, Bennett jumped out of Bubley's birthday cake wearing just a rainbow belt around his shoulder.
"(Bennett) really loves to express himself," Bubley said. "I expected someone a little different to come out of the cake, but I guess that was the next best thing."
In addition to Bennett's indecent exposure charges, forward Marco Steinsieck '08 is also being held for reckless driving. He was found driving his moped on the right side of the road, which is the wrong side. When questioned about this transgression by the authorities, he replied "America, (expletive) yeah!" Both players are being held in a Bermudian cell indefinitely.
The final loss was winger Josh Lehman '09. Previously believed to be a gentle soul, it appears that the toughness of rugby has hardened him into a fighter. Armed with his new attitude and his newly acquired cultural mask, Lehman decided to test the waters of the Bermuda Wrestling Federation. He will be staying behind in the Caribbean to pursue his lifelong dream.
Standing a stout 5-feet 10-inches tall, and weighing in at 91 pounds and 3 ounces, Lehman hoped to hone his technique to add to his tremendous raw talent. He took copious notes as his coach, forward Han-Hui Ling '09, dismantled Flaherty in an impromptu final rumble.
Captain Rob Neville '08 was disappointed with the loss of Lehman. "We are really going to miss Josh's toughness," said Neville. "A lot of the teams we played here were bigger than us and Josh was a solid anchor for our team physically. May God have mercy on those poor Bermudian wrestlers."
On top of the losses in personnel, the team suffered defeats at the hands of three Bermuda rugby teams. The team hopes to shake off the losses in time for the Ivy League Tournament in two weeks.
