Everyone knows that when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. But what about when life gives you Cleo Lemon? Then what do you make? Do you plead with Dan Marino to come out of retirement? Perhaps just make a sad, sad face? What if life gives you Sage Rosenfels? What can you make with Sage? Sage would not make a tasty drink.
All talk of beverages aside, it's almost ridiculous how many teams are running their offenses with backup quarterbacks. This season in particular, it has become a luxury to have a healthy, productive starting quarterback.
Let's start with San Francisco. This is a team that many were picking to win its division this season. Starting QB Alex Smith seemed to be improving, but he went down with a separated shoulder, and now Trent Dilfer is taking the snaps. The last time Dilfer was relevant in the NFL must have been in the last century. I mean, I was still in diapers. Even then he was pretty much just Baltimore's version of Rex Grossman.
Which brings us to Grossman, who actually started for the Bears in the Super Bowl last season but who, as we all knew at the time, is awful. Now he's riding the pine in favor of Brian "I throw like my hands are really" Griese, and Chicago actually has some semblance of an offense. Yay, Chicago.
In fact, The Bears' offense now seems to be even better than the St. Louis Rams' (but still nothing to call your mom and brag about). Once called "The Greatest Show on Turf," the Rams' offense is now about as exciting as five hours at Providence Place with my girlfriend. I drafted Rams QB Marc Bulger in the fourth or fifth round (I neither can, nor want, to remember) and almost immediately regretted my decision. Not only has the now semi-healthy Bulger fared poorly nearly every time he has played this season, but he has also missed a lot of time. His replacement, Gus Frerotte, once missed the second half of a game against the Giants after head-butting a wall in celebration of a touchdown.
In Arizona, Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt began this season rotating between starting quarterback Matt Leinart and backup Kurt Warner. The scheme was confusing to everyone, especially opposing defenses. My head hurts just writing about it. Unfortunately for Whisenhunt, Leinart broke his collarbone in Week Five. Warner, being mad old, has already missed some time. That leaves Tim Rattay as the Cardinals' quarterback. So much for Arizona's season.
In Carolina, starting quarterback Jake Delhomme has opted for season-ending elbow surgery. Then, on top of that spaghetti, replacement David Carr got hurt his second week on the job. Desperate, the Panthers signed the legendary Vinny Testaverde, who returned to the field a la Gandalf the White and led his team to victory. Truly an amazing story.
Byron Leftwich just got the job in Atlanta, replacing an ineffective Joey Harrington, and now he's out with an injury. Jacksonville's David Garrard, Leftwich's former teammate and maybe even his good buddy (I really have no idea if they're good buddies), is out for a month with a high-ankle sprain. Buffalo's J.P. Losman got hurt early on in the season, and it was probably the best thing to happen to Buffalo since spicy boneless buffalo wings with extra hot sauce and some blue cheese dressing on the side (because sometimes the wings are so hot, but still so tasty). Oh, and of course I have to give a shout-out to Tarvaris Jackson, Vince Young and Trent Green for getting hurt, too.
So, to those of you enjoying a nice season from Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer and the like, count yourselves lucky and keep your fingers crossed. Your team could be next.
Shane Reil's '09 fantasy team got sacked this year.
