Citing record deficits and his decreased libido, Gov. Donald Carcieri '65 publicly announced yesterday that he will downgrade to a two-diamond prostitute from the three-diamond hooker whose services he has purchased with state money since 1998.
"The Ocean State has a $151 million deficit this year, and I thought it prudent to do my part in cutting spending," Carcieri said at a press conference. "Plus, my wife is getting suspicious about my Levitra consumption. So I've had to cut back recently."
Carcieri's move comes amid the firestorm of criticism surrounding former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who resigned last month after federal wiretaps uncovered that he had spent $80,000 on a three-diamond hussie, despite a weakening economy due to turmoil in the credit markets.
"After (Spitzer's resignation), I think all of us realized it was time to cut back," Carcieri said. "I will miss Kristen (Van Slootenbag, Carcieri's preferred hooker)." Van Slootenbag goes for around $1,000 per hour, sources close to Carcieri said.
Carcieri said his new prostitute will cost no more than $500 per hour, after a governor's discount offered by the whorehouse. Carcieri said he estimates the downgrade will save the state almost $150,000 per year.
"Maybe we can keep those homeless shelters open after all," Carcieri said.
In a rare moment of bipartisan solidarity, Democrats and Republicans alike lauded Carcieri's move.
"I think we all agree that fiscal restraint is good as long as we weigh all of the consequences and there is a net gain for the people of Rhode Island," said Providence Mayor David Cicilline '83, a Democrat. "It's my understanding that Don (Carcieri) is planning on having much less sex, so he doesn't need as much titillation."
"Spending less money is always better," said former Cranston Republican Mayor Stephen Laffey, who ran unsuccessfully for the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Democrat Sheldon Whitehouse.
Lincoln Chafee '75, a visiting fellow at the Watson Institute for International Studies and a former Rhode Island senator, said Van Slootenberg was a popular guest at state political functions.
"I remember one time, she did a sort of strip tease at a Republican fundraiser I went to a few years ago," Chafee said with a chuckle. "She will be missed."
