A diamond to the University's annual employee awards day for handing out feel-good honors like the "Excellence Award for Managing for Excellence." No, it doesn't make sense, but it does sound positive. Just like "hiring pause."
Coal to Vitaminwater, which Brown students were recently notified contains substances banned by the NCAA. You're going to need some major image rehabilitation to regain our trust. Maybe a high-profile celebrity endorsement will do the trick? We hear Alex Rodriguez may be in need of some new sponsors soon.
A diamond and a hearty welcome to former Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi for accepting an appointment at the Watson Institute. When you get here, can you get the Ratty to bring back the Trattoria line?
Coal to Ruckus, the free music service the University subscribed to, which shut down this week without notice. Your exit, leaving just a few black-and-white cartoons of headphones and a turntable on your Web site, was almost as cloyingly emo as the music selection the Indy once used you to play.
A diamond to activism, which valiantly overthrew an undemocratic, elitist Brown Morning Mail policy without aid of ladders. Next up, a grassroots movement for meal credit transparency on Banner? ¡Si, se puede!
A diamond to participants in last weekend's "Ivy Summit," a gathering of ambitious "student leaders" from around the Ancient Eight. Consider this a stepping stone to the next grand stage at which you future leaders of the world will assemble. (Next year's Ivy Summit.)
A diamond to the men's tennis team, which beat up on its opponent last weekend while wearing pink to raise awareness for breast cancer. Maybe you're on to something - every team wearing brown this week got crushed.
A cubic zirconium to University of the People, an upstart new online school with big plans to revolutionize higher education. We like that you're aiming high, but we're pretty sure Brown students, at least, won't go for it. We're more likely to attend class to surf the Web than vice-versa.
Coal to Brown's P.R. unit, which has started using Twitter to announce University news. Is "desperately misguided attempt at relevance" under 140 characters?
And finally a totally not-spiteful diamond to campus couples preparing to enjoy a long-weekend Saturday Valentine's Day together, free of homework, stress and responsibilities. It'll make a nice gift, and we need the coal to keep our lonely Grad Center single warm tomorrow night. The heat is broken.
