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Dear Columbia,

We're better than you. Yup, we said it — better. Better at sports, better at academics, better at life. We square off in football this weekend and, to be 100 percent honest, nobody really thinks you have a chance.

Let's take a look at your record: 2 and 4 Ivy on the season with awe-inspiring wins over Cornell and Princeton (last and third-to-last place, respectively). And since Head Coach Norries Wilson took over your program three years ago, you've managed to win a whopping eight games. Wow.

Brown, on the other hand, has won three Ivy titles in the last 10 years and currently boasts the number one rated offense in the league. (Not to mention defensive lineman Mike Lemmons '10, who eats Manhattan pseudo-socialites like you for breakfast). So yeah, you might want to tell mom to leave the camcorder at home for this one.

But Brown's quarrel with you goes beyond the field. It started a year ago, when one of your former senior class presidents, Kwame Spearman, wrote a charming little article outlining the ways in which Columbians trump Brunonians. The article is supremely witty and chock-full of tasteful sarcasm. Here's a highlight: "The plumes of smoke coming from most (Brown) dorm rooms are actually a result of productivity (computers overloading and such) and not the other stuff." (By "other stuff" here, we think he means "marijuana.") "I mean, BROWN'S! impeccable list of alumni include that weird guy that was fired from your finance job because he painted his office teal or that friend of yours who wasted his private school education because he now wants to play the banjo." Gosh, Kwame, the banjo? That's HILARIOUS! You sure got us good.

Your plaintive begging for a rivalry is really moving, Kwame. But quite frankly, Columbia's not worth it. Columbians have dreamed up some parallel-universe Brown full of useless hipsters but have been looking in the mirror the whole time.

After graduation, you'll move on to unemployment and the renovated tenement building your grandma owns on the Lower East Side. You study the core curriculum to sound interesting at the cocktail parties you probably won't get invited to. You live in the greatest city in the world but are afraid to go south of 110th or north of 125th. You have one bar for every point you got on the SAT but refuse to go anywhere other than 1020. Your idea of diversity is tacking a "Wu" onto "Nussbaum's bakery." Your idea of a hate crime is being mistaken for a Barnard student.

But all those things aside, you're just kind of tacky. Good luck out there this weekend.

Sincerely Yours,
Editorials are written by The Herald's editorial page board. Send comments to editorials (at)



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