It's funny how sometimes dreams can relate to things that happen in real life. I'm not saying it happens all the time. My recurring dream, after all, involves a Batman costume, Pop-Tarts and a struggle to extract them from the toaster after I accidentally break it with the batarangs. I don't think I've ever been in a superhero outfit while preparing toaster strudel, let alone Batman garb. (This dream probably has some meaning. Where are my Freud psychology majors at? It just means I like Batman? Oh. Psychoanalytic theory isn't as fun as it used to be.)
No, I'm talking about the dreams that make you sit up in a cold sweat. For example, last Sunday I had a terrible nightmare that the Patriots were leading the NFL, but then they lost to a 2-5 Browns team. Their meathead running back ran for 148 yards and 2 TDs on our laughably putrid defense. Our rookie tight end Rob Gronkowski dropped everything that hit his hands and ruined a kickoff. Cleveland Head Coach Eric Mangini's fat face had a piggy grin plastered to it like someone had brought him doughnuts and a tub of Crisco to eat. Tom Brady's hair was really long and stupid-looking. It was terrible.
Luckily, the Patriots are 7-1 and didn't blow all of their momentum heading into the most important two games of the regular season, against the Steelers and Colts. (I stop, wipe my tears off of the keyboard and continue typing.) I'm going to continue to hope that Roethlisberger gets confused for a baby whale (same size, weight, and intelligence) in the next week and is sent back to SeaWorld.
As you can see, there are living nightmares in the sports world. Things so horrific for your team that you can't look away. Performances and grievances that are harder to watch than even the goriest scenes in "Hostel." Maybe Halloween would have been a good time for this column, but it was World Series time and I love writing about Tim Lincecum. Here are the most grotesque stories of the sports world this year.
The Dallas Cowboys: oops
If you had told me two months ago that halfway through the NFL season the Cowboys would have the same record as the Panthers, I would have assumed that the team bus careened off a cliff and the entire practice squad had to replace them. They lost Tony Romo two-and-a-half weeks ago to the ravenous Giants D-line, but they were doomed even before that. I can't think of a football team that has had more talent and lost so many football games. Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Demarcus Ware, Roy Wiliams, Jason Witten. This is not a team that should be 1-7. Coach Wade Phillips just got his pink slip and America's team is cellar-dwelling in the NFC East. Don't worry, Cowboys fans, you still have Jon Kitna!
I'm sorry. That was too mean.
Sabres Coach Lindy Ruff: foot-in-mouth disease
It can be tough to be the Buffalo Sabres. It can be tough to win games when you don't have Ryan Miller between the posts. It can be tough to do better than last in the league when you don't win games. It can be tough to make the playoffs when you are last in the league. Luckily for head coach Lindy Ruff, he didn't do something stupid like guarantee that the Sabres would make the playoffs this year.
Oh, he did? Yikes. Well, at least the Bills are having a great season and can take the attention off of them.
Again, too mean. I'm sorry.
The New Orleans Hornets: Fan Appreciation Day becomes Fan "Appreciation" Day
The 7-0 Hornets are the surprise team of the NBA this year. They became the second team to dethrone the mighty Heat in a shocking upset. Chris Paul is healthy, Emeka Okafor is blocking and getting rebounds, David West looks five years younger than he is, Trevor Ariza looks at home and the bench is contributing. The only other undefeated team in the NBA is the defending champion Lakers.
In Tuesday night's game against the Clippers, the Hornets played in front of a full house and were cheered on by the uproarious crowd as they ... ha, just kidding. A third of the seats were empty and half of the crowd was probably texting all game. The crowd's reaction to Ariza buttering a three was barely discernible from someone watching a legislative hearing on C-SPAN. You could say that it was because of the Clippers, one of the worst teams in the NBA. I'd then point out that the Lakers put nearly 7,000 more people in their seats in an equally lopsided match-up against the abysmal Timberwolves, with much more expensive tickets to boot.
For a superstar on the verge of leaving town, Chris Paul isn't exactly being given a lot of reason to stay. He's practically getting pushed out the door, but CP3 is clawing at the framework and refusing to leave. It's worth noting that his sheer loyalty to the city is bringing him to Durant-esque worship levels in my book.
It's early, but if Paul stays in NOLA the Hornets are going to win a playoff series this year. I just don't know if anyone will be there to see it.
Donovan McNabb: not in shape for a two-minute drill
"I can't tell which wire disarms it! I've never done this with a nuke," or "Off comes McNabb, and here comes Rex Grossman to lead the two-minute drill to try and win the game!"
Which of those quotes is scarier? I really don't know. Don't worry, that's the most terrifying thing I have to write about in this colu …
Tom Brady's Hair: the horror
AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH! It's like Mike Myers in "Halloween"! IT JUST WON'T DIE!
Sam Sheehan '12 will be mailing pictures of Paul Millsap to Heat fans for the next few days. Ask sports questions for his mailbag at sam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on Twitter @samsheehan.
