Over Thanksgiving break, with no classes to fall asleep in and no projects to worry about, I had time to burn my way through an impressive (or depressing, depending on your perspective) number of movies. Some made more of an impression than others, but I enjoyed aspects of every movie, just like I enjoy things about every NBA team. So I had the bright idea to compare each movie to an NBA squad. Here’s what I came up with.
‘Django Unchained’
“Django Unchained” was the first movie I saw, and the one I had the most fun watching. That sounds counterintuitive, since the movie vividly depicts the brutality of slavery in the American South, and at times, it is downright sickening. But the film’s spirit is that of a classical Western — a comically bloody, Tarantino-ized Western with Jamie Foxx as the cowboy and Rick Ross at the center of the soundtrack. There’s much more to “Django” than these elements alone, but none of the other movies I watched matched the sheer pleasure of seeing Foxx perched tall on a horse, donning a cowboy hat, black sunglasses hiding his eyes, ready to draw and fire his pistol in the blink of an eye.
So for “Django,” I’m going with the Pelicans. They’re not the best team in the NBA. They’re good, though — maybe really good — and more than that, they’re a ton of fun.
After feeling much like a lottery team the past couple of years, the Pelicans suddenly seem relevant. They’re by no means guaranteed a playoff spot in the Western bloodbath. Still, they’re in the conversation now, thanks to Anthony Davis’ emergence as the behemoth we all knew he would be. His player efficiency rating is 33 right now — six points higher than Michael Jordan’s all-time best career average of 27.
The Pelicans have no expectations to live up to, only to exceed. That’s a rare and fleeting gift in the NBA. So sit back and enjoy as they ride through the Southwest, leaving havoc in their wake.
‘The Silence of the Lambs’
Which team will get the honor of being compared to a movie about a serial killer that eats his victims alive, another serial killer that tries to make a skin suit out of women and the ubiquity of a menacing male gaze on young women?
No team deserves that, so instead I’ll compare a team to the protagonist of “The Silence of the Lamb,” Clarice Starling — played by Jodie Foster — who manages to stay sane amidst a field of men who either stare lustily at her or try to murder her.
The Cavs, too, seem to have a target on their back at all times. Every night, they face a team intent on proving its worth by going toe-to-toe with the newest Superteam. The media lurks around every corner, waiting to pounce on anything that might be construed as a sign of Lebron and Kyrie hating each other, or Kyrie and Waiters hating each other or Lebron and David Blatt hating each other. No, it’s not as bad as being around serial killers, but it’s sports.
The Cavs have, in my opinion, handled that target admirably. Yes, their record is mediocre. But like I said before the season, this was a group of guys that had never played together, and it was going to take time. Thus far, they’ve managed to avoid a meltdown, and, after four straight wins, it looks like things are coming together.
The science-fiction trio: ‘Interstellar,’ ‘Snowpiercer’ and ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’
“Interstellar” has some cool space scenes, but the logic is confusing and it’s mostly Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway taking turns giving monologues. I’m being overly dismissive, but in the grand scheme, this movie can be stamped as mediocre. Congratulations, Hawks.
Not that the Hawks are bad — they’re actually pretty good. But that is the point — for a team that fancied itself an Eastern Conference version of the Spurs, it looks surprisingly average. They pass it around and their big men shoot threes, but with the Cavs still getting their feet under them and Derrick Rose only playing half the time, the East is anybody’s to take. The Hawks have yet to look like a real candidate.
“Snowpiercer,” on the other hand, is a delight. Was the logic airtight? No. But it is offbeat enough to hold a viewer’s interest and a pleasure to take in visually. The action scenes have a quick, martial arts quality that separates them from the blinding series of explosions endemic in recent blockbusters. And there was something truly eye-opening about seeing a miniature version of the world condensed into the close quarters of a train.
Teams today are supposed to be efficiency engines. So it jars to see a team built around a baby-faced, temperamental center who yells at refs and sulks on the court suddenly taking on the league’s best. It’s different, and it’s disconcerting. But the Kings, in their own offbeat way, are working. I’m fully on board.
As for “2001: A Space Odyssey”, well, where to begin. This movie is in a class of its own.
Its ability to communicate nearly exclusively through image also makes it impossible to describe adequately with words. Anything I write will be a pale attempt at getting across its brilliance.
With a slow and deliberate pace — and without dialogue until about 40 minutes in — it presents profound ideas, things deep and fascinating that it leaves the viewer to absorb.
The Spurs are the closest thing the NBA has to a masterpiece. The names on the roster don’t jump off the page. No superstar playing 40 minutes and dropping 35 every night. The Spurs just exhibit a complex choreography of movement that tangles the opposing defense in knots and leaves their own players staring straight at the basket. Fans are left scratching their heads, trying to figure out what exactly they just saw.
‘The Graduate’
When watching “The Graduate” for a second time, free from worry about the direction of the plot, I was able to bask in the movie’s subtle pleasures: the soundtrack by Simon and Garfunkel that both fits with and adds to the movie’s tone so beautifully; the iconic lines (“Just one word … plastics.”); the simple but impactful shots.
Watching the Mavs is no different, and no less exciting to witness than when I was a little kid. It’s still just Dirk, draining his iconic one-legged fadeaways. There are plenty of shiny new objects to amuse us around the league, but the number one offense still resides in Dallas, and it’s a sight to behold.
‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’
“Ferris Buehler’s Day Off” was supposed to be a lock for greatness. Every person I had ever told I hadn’t seen it berated me — what kind of monster could I be not to have seen “Ferris Bueller”?
Well, I finally watched it. It wasn’t funny. I don’t know if I laughed once. The movie asks its viewer to root for Ferris Bueller, who simply comes across like an entitled jerk. I came close to turning it off, and I never bail on movies.
The Hornets were also supposed to be a lock on fun. I gushed about them in my preview. New name, new jerseys, Lance.
But after ten straight losses, the party’s over. With some hope on the horizon, it’s too soon to bail. But it’s ugly.
And on that happy note, we come to the end. Seven movies, seven teams and absolutely nothing learned, other than that no one should give me this much free time.
James Cohan ’17 is mourning the departure of his favorite editor. Console him at james_cohan@brown.edu.
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