The stage is set. A Monday-night football game with playoff implications. With time pushing the NFL schedule to the pivotal final third of the season, every game counts. The winner of this matchup will find itself just a game behind the division leader. It has all the makings of a huge game.
But it isn't. Not even close. I would rather hammer bamboo slivers under my fingernails until the pain makes me pass out than watch this game.
The contest in question is a matchup of the San Francisco 49ers and the Arizona Cardinals. The teams both sit at 3-7, an abysmal record that would get their coaches fired in any normal division. But this is no normal division. This is the NFC West.
The NFC West: where every team has a losing record. The NFC West: where the combined net points of the four teams is -247. The NFC West: where your quarterback giggles on the sideline with a lineman as your team is trounced in the fourth quarter by 21 points. The NFC West: where at the postgame press conference, that same QB throws a temper tantrum in his cute little pink polo when he is called out on not taking the game seriously, and then storms out like a teenager who's just had her cell phone taken away.
Since the league's formation, the NFL has put teams in the playoffs on a divisional system by conference. The champions in each of the four divisions and the two next-best teams go the playoffs. The system promotes in-conference rivalries and, until recently, has worked quite effectively.
Picture this. You have a huge ECON 0110 test coming up. You lock yourself in the SciLi, suck down five Red Bulls and pull an all-nighter. Meanwhile, the four people across the hall lock themselves in a Keeney double, suck down two Four Lokos each and pull a very different kind of all-nighter. You all take the test the next day, and you get yours back with a big fat 76 on the top of it. The four party animals across the hall get a 34, 33, 27 and 10. The professor then curves up those grades 66 points on the logic that "they all did this really hung over, so I'll just give the best one 100 and the other three however many points they were away from him."
You'd probably be a bit miffed that a guy named T-Dawg, who crushed his empty Loko can on his forehead the night before and put "rubber bands" as an answer about the elasticity of demand, got the same grade as you. That's who the NFC West is — the dude who thinks he missed his test because he was blacked out for it.
The current NFC standings are as such: The Falcons are 9-2; the Bears and Saints are 8-3; and the Giants, Buccaneers, Eagles and Packers are 7-4. All respectable teams that should make the playoffs. Were the six slots actually distributed by performance, it would only be the Buccaneers who would be left out of the playoff picture if the season ended today. But the reality is that the St. Louis Rams, with a 5-6 record, would make the playoffs instead, leaving the Giants out in the cold.
Why should a team that isn't even in the top half of a conference's squads make the playoffs? It doesn't make sense. I feel bad for whichever two of these top seven teams don't make the playoffs and have to sit at home and watch one of these abysmal NFC West teams get obliterated by whomever they face.
Who knows, though? Maybe that San Francisco 49ers team that started the season 0-5 will pull an upset against the Saints or the Packers. Maybe Bristol Palin's "Dancing With The Stars" final appearance wasn't a total fix. Maybe Derek Anderson wasn't laughing and he just has really weird way of being somber. (Things get awkward when he gets jury duty for a homicide case.)
At any rate, three-quarters of the way through the season, here are my NFC teams for the playoffs complete with what I thought at the beginning of the year in parentheses:
No. 1: Falcons (Saints)
Coming into this year, I couldn't see any way that the Saints lost the NFC South or, for that matter, the whole conference. With no big pieces gone from their Super Bowl-winning team and Drew Brees at the helm, I thought that there was nothing that could stop them. But injuries and offensive woes turned "Who Dat!" into "Oh, Crap," and now it's the Dirty Birds of Atlanta on top of the division. Roddy White has looked like an MVP candidate at receiver and these guys look unbeatable at home. The Saints could still get the division with another game against the Falcons coming up, but the Falcons have a one-game lead and a much easier schedule. I look for them to end the year at 13-3.
No. 2: Eagles (Cowboys)
The E-Gulls were in my top spot last week, but against a quick Bears pass rush and with no Asante Samuel to hold the secondary together, they dropped an ugly game at Soldier Field. But this offense still has the most firepower in the NFL. Once their secondary gets healthy, these guys are going to be a dangerous team in the playoffs. With a pretty easy schedule from here on out — the exception being a game at Giant Stadium — I think the Eagles should only lose one more. 11-5 for the Philly Birds. We're going to ignore that I thought the Cowboys would be No. 2.
No. 3: Packers (Packers)
With a deciding game against the Bears in the last week of the season, I'm looking for the Pack to ride the upcoming Aaron Rodgers hot streak (I'm telling you, it's coming) and nip Chicago for the division title. The Bears proved they are for real last week, and both teams have brutal schedules remaining. I just think the Packers are about to get hot. 11-5 for the real A-Rod.
No. 4: Awful NFC West Team (49ers)
Sigh — I guess I'd go with the Rams at this point, just because I like Sam Bradford. This is like picking which M. Night Shyamalan movie of the last six years is your favorite.
No. 5: Saints (Giants)
With games against the Ravens, Falcons and Buccaneers, the Saints are probably going to drop a couple more games in the last few weeks. That still puts them at 11-5, though, and let's not forget that they are the Saints. This is still a team that could be in Arlington on Super Sunday.
No. 6: Giants (Falcons)
At the beginning of the season, everyone, myself included, thought that the Bears' winning ways were a fluke. I expected them to drop off and become a quaint 8-8 team. Now, in spite of Jay Cutler's inevitable nine terrible throws per game, the Bears are 8-3. The bad news is the Bears have only beaten two quality teams and now have games against the Packers, Patriots and Jets. I see them ending up 10-6. That leaves the door open for the Trick-or-Treat Giants to win three of their last five and win the wild card spot on a head-to-head tiebreaker. Let's not forget the Giants were a No. 6 seed in 2007 when they went to the Super Bowl. I'm forgetting what happened once they got there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go grab an armful of glass ornaments and fall on them.
Sam Sheehan '12 will give Derek Anderson his cell phone back when he overthrows Larry Fitzgerald fewer than seven times in a game. Talk sports with him at sam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on Twitter at @SamSheehan.
