Even if you have not taken a class with Gordon Wood, I am sure you can appreciate the importance of history. While knowing and remembering the events that have shaped our lives is essential, we must not forget to enact social change to enrich our lives. Some historians may look down on resurrecting old customs, but I believe there is merit in bringing back ideas that work.
I am in no way suggesting that we repeal Amendment XXI of the U.S. Constitution, thereby reenacting Amendment XVIII of the U.S. Constitution, which prohibits intoxicating liquors. What I am suggesting, however, is that Brown re-adopt the tradition of having a real bear for a mascot.
Before any of you who are taking the LSATs this Saturday offer me your legal guidance, or anyone in the abnormal psychology class requests to use me as a case study, I ask you to hear me out.
Are we not the Brown Bears? Well, I may have already lost some of you, but, yes, we are. Back in the 1960s, the very same Brown Bears used to adopt a young bear at the beginning of each year to loyally stand at the sideline for football games. Our current mascot may be child-friendly, and he may be able to use a port-o-john, but I think we can do better.
With bad weather and fan apathy, Brown sports have been poorly attended this year. I do not want to disparage our current mascot, but he or she does not attract many people to games on his own. The RISD Nads hockey team mascot, Scrotie - a six-foot-tall male member with accompanying gonads - brings more people to the game than the actual event.
I firmly believe that a live bear would do wonders for our attendance and team support. Flocks of people would come to see a bear trotting around the sidelines, and not just PETA protesters, although I'm sure they can be quite rowdy. Bears can be trained, but are also unpredictable and instinctual, and would provide for a great element of surprise. For example, say we were losing a water polo match to Harvard. Well, we could accidentally take some lox left over from Yom Kippur and stuff it in the bathing suit of the Harvard goalkeeper.
If reared by humans from an early age, bears respond well to training and can perform many human-like tasks. Watching the Brown Band skate around the rink after hockey games is entertaining, but add a cymbal-playing, ice-skating bear to the mix, and we would sell out every home game.
For some sports, we already have enough hecklers, but in our quest to bring home the Equestrian Ivy League championship, I think we ought to provide some support. And I'm not talking about the necromancy of Catherine the Great. Bears are pure intimidation, and we need to instill fear into our opponents, whether it is in the walk, trot or open fences events.
Coaches will tell you the importance of having quality backups in the event that starters get injured. The football, wrestling, rugby, and ultimate frisbee teams would love to have a bear ready to step into the game at any moment.
So what do we do about fan safety? I'm sure the rifle club (if we don't have one, we should) would love to throw in a few tranquilizers to run security at the games, and if not, we can just go to Wal-Mart and buy a TEC-9.
How would we feed this bear? If everyone donated one guest credit to the bear and brought it to the Ratty, the problem would be solved. If UFS enters a no-bear stipulation in our meal-plan contracts, we can just bring it to Spike's Junkyard Dogs, where it would promptly win the Spike's Challenge.
I admit that I have left many questions unanswered - What classes would the bear take? Where it would live? How many Harvard kids could it eat in one sitting? - but I urge you to avoid pessimistic speculation and look at the meaning of being a Brown student.
The Brown mission statement reads:
"Brown is a University-College. It has as its objective the offering of educational programs of the highest quality ... The goal of Brown, its faculty and staff, is to carry out these objectives at the highest level of excellence. Brown seeks to be the best University-College."
I think if you read the statement closely, it can be interpreted that we need a bear as a mascot.
Ian Cropp '05 has been known to put leftover lox in his bathing suit just for the fun of it.
