In case you've been stuck under a rock in the Galapagos for the past several months, debates over the value of teaching "intelligent design" in schools have been raging across the United States. Proponents of intelligent design hold that life on earth exhibits a level of complexity that therefore signals a blueprint by an omniscient deity. Those arguing for evolution say we evolved from apes or something.
While professors at this liberal bastion we call Brown University might not take too kindly to teaching intelligent design in tandem with evolution in its biology courses, there are several ways we can bolster our science department so that it may - as President Bush recently put it - "expose people to different schools of thought."
So now I offer several schools of thought that are lacking their rightful representation in academia. Faculty and administrators, pay close attention. Your curriculum is sorely incomplete.
Phrenology
Phrenology, developed around 1800 by German physician Franz Joseph Gall, is the study of personality based on the lumps on your skull. Do I even need to convince you?
It's high time that we introduce phrenology as a viable alternative to neuroscience in Brown classrooms. For far too long Brown's neuroscience department has based its curriculum solely upon inarguably accurate scientific fact.
First off, a real-life physician created phrenology, so you know it works. Touch the top of your head. If there is a slight indentation, it means that you exhibit a gross deficiency in moral faculties. Don't try to argue; it just makes sense.
Brown students deserve to be taught the whole story of the cranium. Although the method was largely debunked in the early 20th century, there are still a couple guys in Belgium who believe in it. And after all, cognitive neuroscience is only a theory. I think.
Astrology
Copernicus. Kepler. Newton. Miss Cleo. It's imperative that Brown's astronomy department get into the business of crafting horoscopes and reading palms as soon as possible. Have you ever asked a member of the opposite sex "What's your sign?" only to have him or her rebuff you with contempt? Well, now the joke's on them!
Astrology is a method of understanding the movement of planetary bodies that's been around since the 5th century B.C. Astronomy has only been around since the Renaissance. Which would you believe?
Heliocentrism can only get us so far in today's world. Brown needs to complement its astronomy courses with astrology instruction. I'll only be happy when the Brown Bookstore sells tarot cards along with copies of physics textbooks.
Alchemy
Turn lead into gold? Sign me up.
Dianetics
It's time for those hack professors in the psychology department to acknowledge L. Ron Hubbard as the greatest genius since Freud. Dianetics is the study of ... well, it's the study of something. I hear it's the basis of Scientology and a method of alleviating unwanted emotions. No one I talk to knows much about it, so that's even more of a reason to teach it alongside psychology.
Just think - Tom Cruise could be a visiting professor. John Travolta would donate private jets to Brown. And free copies of "Battlefield Earth" for all incoming first-years!
I'm rather surprised that proponents of intelligent design have yet to support these preceding academic causes. I thought their ultimate goal was simply to expose people to different schools of thought, right?
It almost seems as if the instruction of intelligent design is just some sort of tool in a venomous partisan struggle. But that certainly can't be it!
If we're going to teach intelligent design in our schools, it's only fair that we teach our children every scientific school of thought - not just the ones that make sense. I propose that Brown initiate these aforementioned programs as soon as possible. Our instruction of science just isn't complete until it includes pseudoscience.
Nicholas Swisher '08 was intelligently designed.
