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Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, Dec. 3

By
Friday, December 3, 2010

Diamonds and Coal. A Herald institution. At the end of every week, we gather our staff, scour through the paper and pull out our best tricks. We try to make you laugh, we work to make you smile and we attempt not to be too inappropriate.

 

A drama-filled diamond to the ongoing faculty tenure debate saga, our very own reality show turned soap opera. We don’t understand what you’re yelling about half the time, but it sounds an awful lot like the Real Housewives of University Hall.

 

Diamonds to celebrity hires Chinua Achebe and Wyclef Jean. You have added so much to our campus by never being here, not teaching classes and — most importantly — never calling us back for interviews.

 

Diamond to our professors, who received accolades this year from such journals as Playboy. Maybe it’s just because of our grading system, but it’s been a while since we saw so many D’s.

 

A diamond to Ocean State politicians for throwing DVDs, engaging in a “legitimate three-way,” landing in rehab and generally keeping things interesting. We’ve never felt so well-represented by our leaders.

 

Coal to Gala, Cancun and the foam party. We’ve never felt so poorly represented by our leaders.

 

Diamond to the 60 percent of students who said they had violated at least one Dining Services policy this semester. We hold you in higher esteem than the 40 percent of students who are liars.

 

A diamond to the 121st editorial board — you may be squares, but to us, you’re perfect squares. (P.S. The spare key is under the fake dog poop out front. At least we think it’s fake.) (P.P.S. Stay out of the basement.)

 

“Diamonds and Coal” is written by Herald staff. Write your own at diamondsandcoal.com.

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