Let me be one of the first of the current generation of students to acknowledge and laud you for the charitable generosity that you have shown our beloved University. I believe I speak for everyone when I say, "much appreciated." The new buildings will be beautiful, the new walk-ways will be wonderful and the new students will be smarter. The future of Brown will be brighter because of your big heart.
Your $20 million gift to fund a new academic facility will forever improve the infrastructure of College Hill. Your $100 million gift to help finance a scholarship program that may at long last allow Brown to need-blindly admit students of all needs will assure a less needy future. Your donations truly enrich the future of our institution.
But as a member of the current generation at our beloved University, can I ask for a little favor? Since I am not going to get to see all the improvements of both student mind and body, I was just wondering if maybe I could get a little something right now. Don't worry - it's something I know you have plenty of to spare. And something that would make me truly happy. Could I possibly get two bottles of Jägermeister?
Because, the way I see it, everyone is profiting from the arrangement between you and the University except for me and my classmates. Poor students will profit from the arrangement. The campus will certainly profit from the arrangement. The Corpora-tion, which receives all the money from parking tickets, will profit from the arrangement. And even you will break even in about four years with the annuity payments.
What about us, though? We who go to this unimproved university right now - what do we get out of all this? The answer: Full tuition and Olive Street closed for construction. Plus an ugly, towering skeleton of an unfinished project. So maybe I will leave the thanking to the next generation and ask for a little compensation in the present. Could I maybe get two bottles of Jager?
I mean, let's face it: You single-handedly took Jägermeister from the stuff of myth, drunk in dingy beer-halls and dark dining rooms, and made it into the most popular party shot of college kids everywhere.
Before you, Jägermeister was drunk as medicine. Now, it is the official shot of New Orleans. Jägermeister used to move 600 cases in the United States - now it moves half a million. You must have some extra bottles lying around somewhere.
I would ask for some Grey Goose, but I am not really a vodka man myself. And I know you sold that one over to Ron Bacardi, so I'm not sure if you still stock it in your home. I do love that Jäger, though.
OK, I know you're a business man, so I'll cut you a deal. If you agree to send two bottles of Jäger to my house, I'll let you in on a little bit of a secret. A secret that will be sure to guarantee you future success. A secret that will yield tremendous results for not only one, but two of your largest business ventures. A secret you would want to know.
And just to show I'm willing to live up to my end of the bargain, I will tell it to you right now. I know that most recently you have become involved with rapper/producer Lil Jon creating an energy drink called Crunk. And so far, sales have been good. Modest, but strong in urban areas, especially in Atlanta and the dirty South. But I understand that ideally you would want Crunk to take a larger share of the market that is now so heavily dominated by Red Bull.
Now, I am not sure that you are aware of the irony of all this. Did you know that it is delicious to drop a shot of Jägermeister into a glass of Red Bull and then chug the whole thing? Did you know that college students everywhere do this? Do you realize the cross-marketing potential?
If you can advertise Crunk as the official energy drink meant to be bombed by Jägermeister, and I imagine you could, then sales of Crunk would skyrocket and people would be getting Crunked up all over this country.
Sidney Frank, you are a living legend. Just like Hubertus, who, when hunting a deer in the seventh century, saw a stag with a cross floating between its antlers and decided to give away all his riches and possessions to the poor - it's the image that appears on the label of every green Jägermeister bottle. Your generosity is astounding and commendable. I humbly offer my gratitude for your giving nature. And all I ask from you in return is two bottles of Jäger.
Many thanks,
Gavin ShulmanProvidence, R.I.
Gavin Shulman '05 loves Jäger.
