As a sports fan, I find it disconcerting how predisposed people are to seeing the negative in most modern sports scandals, and how blind they are to the potential positive of what may seem like sports' most controversial stories.
Take the current hockey lock-out. All people want to talk about is the greedy players, the greedy owners, Gary Bettman being a jerk, the complete lack of progress and the fact that no one really even cares in the first place.
But this hiatus is a great thing for hockey. Let the players get some rest. Let them get their teeth replaced and noses set. Let the owners lose a little money. Let them try to exploit their other assets. Let the fans miss it some. Let them forget how fun watching Canadians and Russians fight is.
I believe that the lock-out is a brilliant marketing scheme to breathe life back into a sport that is melting into obscurity. When, and if hockey ever comes back, it will be such a novelty. Oh, hockey? I haven't seen that forever. How do you play that again? On ice? No way. Man, I'm so glad hockey's back. I'm not sure how I ever lived without it.
Remember what the strike of 1995 did for our national pastime? No one was watching baseball in the early nineties, but ratings have been through the roof ever since. That strike was probably the best baseball move since A-Rod slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's mitt. Let the fans swing, miss it a little, and take a strike. It'll get the people up on their feet. Everyone loves a good strike.
Honestly, I think hockey is very cleverly positioning itself to score on another such rebound off the pads of fan rediscovery.
But speaking of baseball, what all these scandal-sensitive people fail to recognize is that beneath the controversy that is currently plaguing our beloved, prematurely balding batsmen, steroids are a terrific thing for baseball. How awesome would it be to see someone jack 600 homeruns in a season? How great would it be to watch the Incredible Hulk playing second? How cool would it be to watch a pitcher throw the ball the speed of light? All of these things are possible, but only with steroids.
What we need to do is start the kids on these steroids early. That way, by the time they mature, they will not merely be big men, but monsters. Imagine a giant, roid-raging right-fielder rounding third about to smash into a creamed-up catcher of about 500 pounds who has no fear protecting the plate. Now that's good watching. And we're only talking Little League.
I want to see records broken. I want to see unimaginable feats feated. I want to look back at the accomplishments of our athletic ancestors and laugh in their black-and-white faces. I want to embarrass their achievements. I want to let them know that if they even thought of playing today, we would kill them again.
In a society where performance-enhancing drugs are commonplace, how hypocritical is it to hold our athletes to a higher standard? Should an asterisk be placed next to every orgasm reached with the assistance of Viagra? Should we erase from the record every child's test score that was aided by the use of Adderall? Should we note in italics every friend made by someone who relies on Zoloft? Or should we simply embrace the miracle of our modern technology that has the ability to improve not only our own troubled lives, but that of our sports stars as well? Steroids should not scare us, they should excite us.
As for basketball, of course we should let players fight fans if they get too drunk in the stands. That's like two sports for one. The more interactive our sports can be, the better. There should be a five-row maximum though. Players should only be allowed to attack fans within the first five rows of the court. Because the people with those tickets are probably pricks anyway. Especially if they're too drunk to not do something too drunk. And then, if they are and do, all of us sitting behind them and above them get to watch them get pounded. That's the complete sporting-event experience. If I'm going to pay $12 for parking, I want to at least know that there is the possibility of a fight.
Every sport has something to gain from scandal. If we examine the reasons behind the controversy, the motives, the consequences, the potential, the possibility, we can see past the initial shock and see the promise that every scandal brings to light. Just when we think the sporting world is showing us its ugliest, most grotesque face, maybe it's showing us its best. Strikes, fights, steroids, and scandal may truly be what make our sports so great.
Gavin Shulman '05 took steroids and is stronger for it.
