There’s something deeply unserious about how we talk about casual dating. Which is funny, because we talk about it seriously. Like, tax-code seriously.
The phrase “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” has started to become a legal disclaimer instead of an honest emotional boundary. This easily translates to “by engaging in this situationship, you acknowledge that this does not constitute a relationship, partnership or any contractual form of attachment, emotional or otherwise.”
And yet — most of us aren’t actually trying to be heartless. Really, we’re just terrified of being misunderstood. Of wanting too much, or too little or the wrong thing. So we preemptively disclaim. We say “casual” to avoid seeming needy and “not sure yet” to avoid seeming cold. We hedge so hard we forget to actually date. Somewhere between “what are we?” and “let’s not put a label on it,” we collectively gave up.
We’re taught that dating must be a calculated act of self-preservation. We should only go on a date if we can already see the wedding hashtag or, conversely, if we’re absolutely sure it’s “just for fun.” People are no longer allowed to exist in between. The irony is that the middle space is the only way we ever actually discover who we click with. The only way to figure out if chemistry translates to compatibility is by spending time together.
Think about how we talk about dating: “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” “I’m focusing on myself.” “I just got out of something.” Those are all valid reasons, but they’ve also become the script we read off to avoid accountability.
Dating has become like grad school: You can’t apply unless you’ve already completed the prerequisites — self-love, emotional stability and career certainty. But, in reality, there’s nothing morally superior about waiting until you’re “ready.” Ready for what? To love someone perfectly? That’s never going to happen.
Sometimes you need to date while you’re messy and still figuring out what you want — even while your inner child and your inner cynic are arguing over whether love is real. It’s not irresponsible as long as you’re honest.
We’re so allergic to uncertainty that we’d rather not try at all. We’d rather talk in circles about “vibes” and “situationships” and “seeing where it goes” than actually go anywhere. We don’t want to risk finding out that something doesn’t work, because rejection or disappointment feels like failure. But if you never start, you never learn.
Sometimes the whole point of dating someone is to realize you don’t want to date them. That doesn’t mean you wasted time; it means you got information.
Part of the problem is linguistic. We’ve made words like boyfriend, girlfriend and partner so weighty that using them feels like signing a lifelong contract. Somewhere along the way, these labels stopped being ways to describe what’s happening and started being milestones you’re only allowed to claim after you’ve done six months of emotional due diligence. We’ve turned ordinary words into commitments so big that most people would rather avoid them entirely than risk using them “too soon.”
But that’s ridiculous. You don’t need to be 100% sure to use a label. They are just ways to describe what someone is to you right now. If you’re seeing each other, caring about each other, maybe cooking breakfast together, you’re allowed to call it what it is. If we de-formalized the language, if we let words be temporary and true instead of final and terrifying, maybe we’d stop talking around our relationships and just start having them.
So here’s my pitch: Let’s redefine “casual.”
Let’s bring the word back to what it was supposed to mean — open, exploratory, a little uncertain but still sincere. Let’s stop pretending that the only respectable ways to date are either in total detachment or total devotion. There’s a whole spectrum in between where most real connection actually happens, and it’s about time we started spending time there again.
Certainty is fleeting. Curiosity is sustainable. You don’t have to know exactly where something is going to let it start. You just need to try.
If you have questions about sex or relationships that could be discussed in a future column, please submit questions to an anonymous form at https://tinyurl.com/BDHsexcolumn. Anusha Gupta ’25 MD’29 can be reached at anusha_gupta@brown.edu. Please send responses to this opinion to letters@browndailyherald.com and other op-eds to opinions@browndailyherald.com.
